Sometimes it’s the smallest things.
It’s feeling invisible. The men around me are noticed for their work, their brilliance. Am I less smart, less capable? Is my work less good? It’s hard not to internalize that feedback – or that lack of feedback. Visibility as merit, invisibility as lack of talent.
It’s the assumption that I’m slightly incompetent, slightly daft. That I haven’t read the emails or the syllabus. That I’ve come unprepared, and so my question must be a stupid one with an obvious answer, instead of my having caught an error – an oversight in a programme written by men.
It’s my having to prove first, and again and again, that I am a serious person before I am taken seriously.
It’s so hard to know: are these things the effect of sexism? It’s hard to untangle, hard to prove, but it’s there. It’s not my job to prove it. It’s there.